"My truth is when God made me, He made a queen and did not make a single mistake when He combined the ingredients that resulted in the creation of Virginia. He MADE me beautiful, and no flaw, past or present mistreatment, or rejection of society can negate that."
I'll be honest, it hasn't always been easy. In fact, some days it seems close to impossible. Sometimes, I feel like I'm forcing myself to do it, and it doesn't feel just right, you know? Kind of like getting up early in the morning to go to that job you hate. You feel uncomfortable and uneasy, but your bills need to be paid, and you need to eat, so here you are--making yourself do what you MUST & simultaneously feeling miserable.
Well, that's how I've been feeling about loving and accepting myself lately. Sad, right? Okay, yes, maybe my analogy was a tad bit hyperbolic, but I hope you get the gist. Honestly, I think we'd all be lying if we said we never felt down about ourselves, insecure about a physical feature, wish we could change one thing about ourselves so we can feel "pretty," or simply have moments when we slip into a false sense of inadequacy after making the unwise decision to compare ourselves to others (don't do that). Well, that's been my reality for the past few months. I'm not exactly sure what my big trigger was; it could be a culmination of things that finally took the opportunity to implode in my spirit. Regardless, the truth is, I haven't felt my best physically or aesthetically; I've felt unpretty and unlike the confident Virginia I admire and have grown into over the past few years. I usually am someone who is strong-willed and sure of herself and who she is. An Alpha woman who goes for it, takes pride in being her most authentic self, refuses to conform to make others feel "comfortable," and won't let anyone or anything define her. Someone who knows her power and almost literally gets right back up when life goes for the jugular and K.O.s her. So, this phase of uncertainty and lack of confidence is off-putting and presents a strange sensation that I haven't felt in a long time. I've been trying to unpack and process my feelings and their unwelcomed manifestation through reflection, journaling, and therapy, and I have come to realize that the insecure and hurt pre-teen and the teenager who was teased for having dark skin (ridiculous!), the way she wore her hair, the THICKNESS of her hair, and just didn't fit in with the "pretty" girls or the crowd, still dwells inside of me. She's been dormant for a while; silently and unhappily waiting for her grand re-entrance and the most inopportune time to impose all of her insecurities on me. Well, she is here, and I understand her pain whole-heartedly. It resonates with me, and lately, when I look in the mirror, take a selfie, or even watch my interviews, I hear all the cruel and hateful lies my peers and people I looked up to spewed in her ears over the past years like venom: "you'd look better if...," "you'll be cute when...," "you should wear your hair like this because...," "you don't like right when..." "you shouldn't smile because..," "you're too dark," you're lips are too big," "you're ugly."
Of course, I know that these ill-intended words were sent from the devil and spoken through these people in satan's pathetic attempt to have me grow up to be broken & feel unable and unworthy of stepping into my power and becoming the prosperous woman I am today. I know this. I also know that I have to silence these vicious and mendacious whispers that replay themselves in my head so that I can continue to defeat the enemy and be the dynamic, unstoppable woman I am destined to be on this earth. But, the wounds that were inflicted on my innocence, and the words spoken to me, no matter how untrue, still cut deeply. Deeply enough to still show up as wounds in my life when I am just a week away from officially being in my "mid"-thirties and have accomplished a lot along my journey. Deeply enough to still make me cringe & question who I am at the thought of them, even though I am way more successful than most of the people who hurt me. They cut deeply enough to coerce me to change my mind when I want to post a selfie and make me end up deciding it's not worth the disappointment. Deeply enough to cause me to fear that I won't get enough likes and loves or comments that remind me that I am beautiful. Their malicious verbalizations cut deeply enough for me to be afraid that the person I like or am dating at the moment will probably not openly show affection towards me or even click like on my pictures. Deeply enough for me to envy the next woman who gets a few more loves or comments on her pic than me, and thus, making me have to check myself for my irrational resentment towards another woman. I know, you may say that an easy fix is to just stay away from social media or to just not post. Hey, maybe you're right. Maybe that's a good first step to making sure that I cease to dwell in this bubble of discontentment. But, still, I realize that this unfortunate and uncomfortable phase I am in is going to require an abundance of inner work. Not just a few affirmations here, and a prayer or two there. No, in order to move forward and effectively adjust my crown, I am going to have to be extremely intentional about releasing the trauma of the girl who was unjustly and undeservingly wounded by other's opinions about her outward appearance; the girl who felt unworthy of love and incapable of self-love. I am going to have to CHOOSE to show up for myself in every way and tenderly remind the younger, hurt me that it is okay to let the actions and malicious words of others go and drown them with love for who she is.
Honestly, I admire the younger version of me because the lies she was fed were cruel and damaging, but she still pushed through her pain and didn't let other people's irrelevant thoughts about what or who they thought she was stop her from doing the things she wanted to do in life and becoming who she wanted to become. I love her because everything she endured was vastly unfair, but she still found a way to see good in the world. However, I still desire to and will step back into the skin of the woman who loved herself unconditionally and was simply unbothered by someone else's arbitrary and meritless opinion about her. Actually, I want to step into a new division of who SHE is. I want to love myself so hard, so authentically that the lies and painful words that were spoken to me will never resurface in my mind and replay themselves again. I want to be so full of love for Virginia that neither a compliment nor an insult will dictate how I see myself and show up in the world. As said earlier, in one week I am rising to a new age, and my biggest goal for my year of 34 and 2021 is to CHOOSE to love me, even when or if others fail to do so. I want to love myself so hard that rejection from another will not faze me in the slightest way; I want to be so authentically and richly in love with every inkling of who I am that a like, love, or comment won't feel like a "validation." While stepping into this new me and age, I am going to remember that just because someone else falls short of recognizing or accepting my grace and beauty does not make what they feel MY TRUTH. My truth is, my dark skin is beautiful, glorious, and flawless and was never and will never be a valid reason for someone to attempt to put me down (I've known this for a very long time). My truth is that I am beautiful, even on the days when it's hard to remember it. My truth is that when God made me, He made a queen and did not make a single mistake when He combined the ingredients that resulted in the creation of Virginia. He MADE me beautiful, and no flaw, past or present mistreatment, or rejection of society can negate that. This is my truth; my personal narrative that I am now refusing to let the cruel judgments of others and society's standards rewrite or steal from me.
Moving into my new dimension, I am GOING to love Virginia so deeply, unapologetically, and passionately that not loving her will never, ever be an option again!!
💜"Self-love is the best love."💜
